going nowhere

For the past few weeks, I remained quiet, silent. For others who might know, my stay in Bataan wasn’t really that fun. I feel guilty about what I felt and I really believe I have told this to my bestfriend. The thought of quitting nursing came into my mind. It is not because I am far from home. That I am away from the city. Nor that I am way from my friends. It’s also not because of the tiring duty and the full of effort just to produce a therapeutic nurse-patient interaction or even the sleepless nights. It was all because of my partner. I’m used to keeping myself awake at the wee hours of the night doing school stuff and bugging everyone awake. It’s no big deal with me. Yeah, the ton of requirements to pass is a factor why I hated my stay there. The requirements to pass wouldn’t be as heavy as I felt if only my partner was sensitive enough to feel she is already acting like she is the chief nurse of the mental institution and I as a partner is acting like a personnel who is asked to carry this and that, do this and that and all the stuff which in truth and reality should be done by us together. I have money and I can say I’m above the usual living of a Filipino but I never acted like a social climber. Being the eldest, I worked and still working hard to be able to send myself to school even if I know my parents can. I never acted like a señorito even if we have maids at home. I always try to keep a low profile by my side and I am proud and so much contented of it. But I never met someone who acts like owning the whole world even if they don’t have guts to do it. I don’t mean to boast or insult but that’s what I feel.

I am not a future leader. For more than 19 years of my existence in this world, this is the first time that I became someone who carries all the responsibility to keep a good nation. I got power but I never asked for it. I hate responsibilities. I know I am responsible and I never stop until I get things done and I believe that it is one of the qualities I should maintain. Yeah, I am an easy go lucky person and it is somehow in contrary to my first statement but I always try to maintain a balance between hardship and fun. Now, it is just hardship and I blame good leadership for that. I prefer being a good and active member than being a leader and taking care of responsibilities who in the first place don’t want to be under one’s leadership.

Now, my dreams are starting to fall into pieces. My dreams are going nowhere. Mom? Dad? Where are you?